Building The Giraffe

We’re still stuck on the oil rig, but we got one of those Starlink satellites to bring you more movie pitches!

Have you ever wondered why they don’t make Have you ever wondered why they don’t make a dark version of Batman? One so bleak that it would make millions and millions of dollars just because people go see it so they can shake their head in wonderment that it exists? Well, we answer that question by pitching “Thee Batman,” an unhinged version of the beloved character featuring Ezra Miller and all the ultra-violence you crave!

Feel free to email us at buildingthegiraffe@aol.com and we’ll try to answer you if we even figure out how.

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In an effort to refresh the RSS feed and get people back to listening we are reposting some of our favorite episodes before we start recording again, little did we know we would predict the love of using the same needle drop in movies over and over and over in a 2 hour span.

These days there are many torture porn reboots coming in the pipe but what if we didn’t do a reboot but instead created a whole new thing using Rupert Holmes’ “Escape” as the foundation for horror? Well now is the time for you to find out. This one is a bit shorter but it’s also incredibly insane. Thanks for listening and rate us on Apple Podcasts and subscribe on Spotify.

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In an attempt to refresh the RSS feed and get you guys back into the show before we begin recording again we are posting some of our favorite episodes, including this one where we accidentally predicted “Titane”.

In episode 5 of Building The Giraffe we attempt to placate TJ Moneybags by exploring the broad comedy that can come from combining of two classics There’s Something About Mary and Dude, Where’s My Car? into a movie that both the average fan and car fetishists can enjoy. We think we did it this time so we won’t be back but, just in case we aren’t correct, please rate us on iTunes anyway!

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In an attempt to bring the RSS feed back to life and give you a refresh before we start recording again, please take a listen to this very first episode of our show! Little did we know how prescient this episode would be not long after we made it.

In our inaugural episode we explain how we came to be in the business of pitching movies to our benefactor/enslaver TJ Moneybags, Esq to possibly fund for production and then we weave you the tale of The Last Shot a movie that we believe will play well to not only doomsday prepping anti-vaxxer maniacs but their children as well, assuming they live to young adult age, of course. Thank you for listening and join us every Monday for more film genius!

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Did you wonder what happens when you change the plot of a classic board game that has no plot into a high stakes interstellar sci-fi action movie? Did you also wonder what would happen if you put John Malkovich in that movie and pitted him against The Rock and Kevin Hart? Well, we did, so strap in for the sure to be tour de force that is Sorry! Thanks for listening, feel free to email us at buildingthegiraffe@aol.com and we will hopefully never be on your feed again!

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Did you ever wonder what might happen if you pitted an inter-dimensional traveling Elton John who is actually Santa Claus’ brother that is played by Paul McCartney against a Paul McCartney played by Daniel Day Lewis for the very soul of our reality and of Christmas itself? Too bad, we did! Come Step Into Christmas with Kaiser and Justin. Also please email us at buildingthegiraffe@aol.com!

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Did you ever want the Kevin James extended universe to be a thing? Where Paul Blart can meet the Zookeeper and can hang out with I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry? No, you didn’t, but we did! So we bring you a soft reboot/sequel to Kevin James seminal work Here Comes The Boom, only this time it is crossed with the violence you might find in modern movies like The Joker. Will Kevin James redeem himself? Is Pete Davidson ever going to have a role where he doesn’t poop? Will David Spade save us all? Listen to this episode and find out. Also email us at buildingthegiraffe@aol.com!

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Did you ever feel like jobs sometimes feel like indentured servitude? So do we, but mostly because are rightfully allowed to do so. In keeping with that idea we present to you a hybrid between 12 Years A Slave and Glengary Glenross, one that we think turned out very well. Thanks for listening and email us at buildingthegiraffe@aol.com and tell us your possible ideas!

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Welcome to season 2 of Building The Giraffe. While many sequels to old properties are coming out at the theaters these days and Cats is on its way we felt that we should work our way into both categories with our Willem Dafoe vehicle Phantom of the Opera 2: Nosferopera. Thank you for listening and should you like to get ahold of us please email us at buildingthegiraffe@aol.com.

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Had you wondered exactly what this podcast was about? Find out now before Season 2 begins. In this episode we break character so we can explain to you exactly what the overarching story surrounding the pitches. Thanks for listening and email us at buildingthegiraffe@aol.com.

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What happens when the truth of history is revealed? When the real causes behind a war are shown the light of day? Who knows because that’s not what happens here, instead we present to you a version of history that may be more entertaining or more horrifying depending on your taste. Thanks for listening this season, if you have any ideas or a message for us email us at buildingthegiraffe@aol.com. We’ll see you in 4 short weeks!

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Is there space in the family film sphere for a thinly veiled allegory for communism starring cute animals in a CGI adventure about a raccoon trying to find a fabled land? I guess we will find out today when we hear about Justin Bieber starring in Trash World! Thanks for listening and please rate us on apple podcasts and subscribe on spotify and hopefully we will never be back again!

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These days there are many torture porn reboots coming in the pipe but what if we didn’t do a reboot but instead created a whole new thing using Rupert Holmes’ “Escape” as the foundation for horror? Well now is the time for you to find out. This one is a bit shorter but it’s also incredibly insane. Thanks for listening and rate us on Apple Podcasts and subscribe on Spotify.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Did you ever think that what the romantic comedy Four Weddings and a Funeral was missing being set in a bar and also all three Jonas Brothers? Then you’re in luck because this week we have all that and more when we try to convince TJ Moneybags with the power of matrimony and death to let us go from this nightmarescape. Thanks for listening and please rate us on Apple Podcasts and Subscribe on Spotify.

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This week we attempt to appeal to our keeper TJ Moneybags’ sense of faith in capitalism by imagining a post apocalyptic America in which the department store Kohl’s reigns supreme and hosts running man style competitions for fabulous Kohl’s Cash and a life-changing prize. Please enjoy and rate us on Apple Podcasts and subscribe on Spotify. Thanks for listening!

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We hope that this time by combining the brutal warfare and combat of movies like Gladiator with a high fantasy backdrop in the vein of Lord of the Rings mixed with a dash of circular political intrigue we will finally be allowed to leave behind our contract. If we can’t we shall see you next week with another tale from cinema yet to be. Thank you for listening and please rate us on Apple Podcasts or anywhere you get your listenables.

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There was a time in history when Mikhail Gorbachev was one of the most powerful men in the world, then there was a time shortly thereafter where he appeared on Pizza Hut commercials. In this weeks episode we imagine a movie in the grand tradition of Baby’s Day Out, Home Alone 2: Lost In New York or Dunston checks in where madcap antics ensue during the final days of the cold war in Gorby Wants A Slice. Thanks for listening and please rate us on Apple Podcasts and subscribe in whatever podcast app you use!

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Have you ever wondered what would happen if you smashed Source Code, Groundhog Day and Unstoppable together? Well we did and now you get Time Train, a vehicle to reunite Matthew McConaughey and Sandra Bullock 20 some odd years after A Time To Kill but with a big ol’ twist. Thanks for listening please rate us on iTunes and subscribe on all your podcast apps.

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Welcome back to the nightmare that never ends. Having failed to bring art to the world this week we are going to attempt to appeal to every man’s need to leave a mark on his world, rich people love buildings and seemingly loved no building more than the church of Notre Dame, so why not help with the reconstruction and make a cool action movie based on the old Victor Hugo story? See how it turns out this week and if we make it out or not by seeing if nothing is here next week. Please rate us on iTunes, thanks for listening!

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In hopes of getting out of our contract this week we appeal to TJ Moneybags’ sense of artistry and present to you our idea of something that could sweep cannes, in the tradition of films such as The Childhood of a Leader comes Diary of a Young Sh*tter. This is a film we truly feel could push us over the top and finally give us release from this horrific life. Rate us on iTunes just in case we can’t get out of it this week! Thanks for listening!

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In episode 5 of Building The Giraffe we attempt to placate TJ Moneybags by exploring the broad comedy that can come from combining of two classics There’s Something About Mary and Dude, Where’s My Car? into a movie that both the average fan and car fetishists can enjoy. We think we did it this time so we won’t be back but, just in case we aren’t correct, please rate us on iTunes anyway!

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Being that musician biopics are all the rage now we decided perhaps our benefactor would enjoy one about America’s songbird, John Denver. This week we present to you the lightly dramatized look at his life. This might be the one that gets us out of our contract but if it isn’t tune in next week for a film about one American’s obsession with his automobile.

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This week on Building the Giraffe we delve into the tentpole first movie in the interconnected board game universe we hope to build with the help of Kevin Hart and The Rock, Operation! A cross between saw and a medical rivalry movie will this be the one that finally get us out of our contract with TJ Moneybags? No, it won’t be, but we can hope! See you next week with a true homecoming story.

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In Episode 2 of Building the Giraffe we attempt to placate TJ Moneybags by rebooting both the Cocktail and Robocop franchise into one film starring the razzle dazzle of flair bartending and the genre defining sci-fi action of robot police. Thanks for listening, rate us on iTunes and tune in next week for something that won’t make you “board”!

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In our inaugural episode we explain how we came to be in the business of pitching movies to our benefactor/enslaver TJ Moneybags, Esq to possibly fund for production and then we weave you the tale of The Last Shot a movie that we believe will play well to not only doomsday prepping anti-vaxxer maniacs but their children as well, assuming they live to young adult age, of course. Thank you for listening and join us every Monday for more film genius!

Podcast: Play in new window | Download